So. It's been ages. I've missed an entire year. For some reason I don't think that was detrimental to anyone. Do I have an excuse for myself? No. Do I have anything particular to say today? No... at least I don't think so. I just felt like I needed to update. Perhaps my lack of communication with the online world has to do with the fact that I have come to writing letters about anything and everything, so things get said there and then get pushed to the back of my mind. That's just what happens when you learn to use writing to communicate the words you just can't say but that need to be said, and you're in the woods all summer so that's the only way to do it anyway. Then when you keep contact with that person and you learn to open yourself up to them more than you ever have before in your life, you would think you could say everything, yet sometimes you still can't. And when you're bored in study at school because somehow you're still on top of all your homework, writing letters takes up the time and makes you feel like even though you're just killing the time, you're still accomplishing something. So that's where everything has gone for the past year and a half. I have said before that I will try to post more, but you've seen how well that's gone, so I won't even say it now, I'll just remain hopeful. We shall see.
For the time being, I'm taking my ACT for the 6th fudging time because my full ride at college flew out the window when ACT gave them the wrong info. I'm on top of coursework right now, but we'll see how long that lasts. However, having a study every day is probably the best thing I ever gave myself. I'm back dancing, but that's a huge long story that makes me want to cry every time I think about it, so maybe someday I will get bored enough to post it, but I can't now. Musical starts up next month and I'm finally dance captain, only my co-captain is someone I absolutely cannot stand and who has no dance technique at all because she never danced very long, nor did she care about it when she did (she was at my studio, trust me I know), so we'll see how that goes. My dark kitty had an abscess on her neck, that was a huge scare for me because we already had one who went through feline leukemia and didn't make it so I was afraid that it was a tumor enough that I didn't say anything for a couple weeks. Eventually though I did tell my mother and she took her to the vet, and they got most of it out but it's been draining and making a huge matte in her fur that I had to cut out last night, yes I've been failing at my mommy duties because I hadn't brushed it in like a week. What else... siblings M and P have been gone to Washington DC and won't be back until tomorrow, so I've taken advantage of the space in my room to try to get things organized and cleaned out, since it's only a couple months until I move out (FINALLY!!!), and yes I'll be at camp for the summer but there's no way I'm leaving my stuff here for another summer to get ruined once again especially if I'm just coming back to move it out again, so everything's going in May. And between now and then I have school, dance competitions, musical, college, and my Girl Scout Gold Award to concentrate on, so I want to do what I can now. Anyway that's about all I have to say for now. Just my last couple months in a nutshell. Hopefully more interesting stories will come later.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Most Eventful Christmas Ever
Four posts in six months. Rather pathetic for me, but what can I say? Most of my post-worthy material gets discussed into the ground over IMs with G these days, and life's just too much in the way all the time to let me come back to it all on here.
I don't really have anything to say, but I feel like I should wrap up 2008. I swear this blog's really just becoming my life story, or rather a summary of, but hey if you've read this far you obviously have nothing better to do, so here goes.
The rest of October ~ Halloween was quite uneventful compared to last year. A-Hawk and I crashed at BJ's, from which we were going to M's party, same as last year, but we decided that the three of us hadn't hung out enough lately, so we ended up staying there. Not too exciting, but not cause for a screaming match and breakdown either. Last year that night just sucked.
November ~ Not really anything worth mentioning. We didn't do Thanksgiving at my house this year, instead going to my aunt's about 3 hours away. We weren't there long though, because we all went in one van (that was rather ridiculous, but somehow we made the round trip without any violence) and my mother had to work at like 7, so we made the round trip plus horsed around with the cousins in the huge yard and ate lots of food. It was tiring. Most of us were either asleep or trying to be on the way back. Can't remember the last time I actually succeeded in sleeping in a moving vehicle.
December ~ Oh December. The first two and a half weeks were just wretched. That first week I had I think six essays due plus a project and a presentation, and my history research essay revision and writing portfolio for essay writing were due the week of finals. My research essay kind of really needed the extra chance at a good grade, but of course I completely forgot about it the night before it was due. So yeah, that didn't happen, and my grade certainly shows it. I had A's and high B's all semester, until December hit, and then I started tanking. And that's much sooner than the usual slump that occurs in late January or early February, so it's definitely not a good sign. But anyway, after quite a few sleepless nights (and I don't just mean troubled sleep, I pulled several almost-all-nighters during that time) way too many arguments with people I couldn't see to straighten things out with because schedules were too tight, and a whole lot of stress, break finally arrived. I don't remember what I told myself that Thursday and Friday nights to let everything go from the previous three weeks, but it must have been convincing, because on Saturday morning I was off to northern Illinois with G to visit her family for Christmas. Yay road trip, seriously. The two Christmases we went to were nice, and I made out like a bandit, as G said. I was expecting one or two things from the few people who knew I was coming up, but I got a good deal more than that, and I'm grateful but I still kind of feel bad for not really having anything to give back. Those two events were on the 20th and 21st, and the next few days we were going to spend visiting G's relatives and just relaxing, before heading back on the 24th.
However we had complications. Not positive where the bug came from, but the whole time we were up there the two of us were fighting off stomach flu, though it got the better of G on Tuesday morning. And she had a doctor's appointment that afternoon, so when she got there there was dehydration and a fever to ad to the reason she came in, which was essentially a way confused heart rate. All of those in front of a doctor were certain to land us a night in the ICU, right? We should have been prepared. But alas, we weren't, and we ended up staying at the hospital for 24 1/2 hours. I'd say it was a good thing I always have a book on me, except I was trying so hard to not get sick the whole time myself that I only got through like 20 pages. Plus there was the fact that neither of G's parents wanted to stay there, but I wasn't leaving, so her mother stayed too, and the whole time she was trying to separate us, I'm not sure why. It's not like I was in the way, there were only two patients on that floor. Well actually I do have a pretty good idea. Goes along the same lines as my dad's assumptions at the end of the summer that the two of us were together as lesbians. Did I mention that before? I can't remember. But anyway, her mother was quite irritated that I wouldn't leave, because she would never leave the two of us alone together for more than a few minutes, although she hid it pretty well. Anyway, for a while we weren't sure if G'd get discharged after the set 23 hours under observation, and first the plan was if that happened to send me back home via train so I could do Christmas with my family. But no one in my family was available to pick me up that whole day, so it ended up being that however long G stayed up north was how long I'd be there too. Gotta love parents, right? Christmas for five kids was enough, they didn't really need that sixth one there too.
Well it turns out she did get discharged on time, and we went straight back to her parents' house to pack stuff and then buzzed out of there. It was several hours later than we'd initially planned, but we still got back in time for midnight mass. And that whole day, after leaving the hospital, G got better and better, and I guess as the threat of her staying there longer or going back kept diminishing, my guard kept slipping. I felt pretty decent most of the drive back home, and even kept down McDonald's. But we made it to mass, and that was as far as I got. Usually I like the smell of incense, but I think that's what set me off. No I did not lose my stomach in the middle of church - actually I almost never lose it until I get home, I can keep it down for a pretty long time, even when it won't stop churning - but I was just in agony the entire time. Church cleared out pretty quickly after mass, as it was already after 1am when it was over, but it still took my family a good bit of time to take down all the music stuff. All of us and G were the last people to leave, and I ended up in the van with both of my parents while my brother took the rest of the kids home in the other van. Now up until that point, the entire time I'd felt sick, I was forcing it back so it wouldn't make matters worse, especially while G was in the ICU, because I knew she would blame herself for getting me sick, and she didn't need any more stress. But once we separated after church, I guess I hadn't realized my guard was down as far as it was, because it was a like a sigh of relief that I didn't have to push myself anymore because she wouldn't see me if I did get sick. But it wasn't even my stomach that won me over, no, it was my brain.
Don't think I've ever mentioned how my brain likes to make up scenerios where people I'm close to get hurt. Sure, lots of people do that too, but usually in mine I'm the one who gets hurt, and I come up with all kinds of bad things that could happen to me, and there's never any good ending to it. I don't even see my death, I'm just there, in some right state, until I lost consciousness thinking about it. In fact that's how I've made myself fall asleep for the longest time, I'd think about stuff that would make me pass out until I actually did it. I know that's rash, but that's what my brain likes to do to itself. And it would have been okay this time around if it were me getting hurt, but no, that time it was G. And even if the situation isn't bad at all, I don't care how cliche it sounds, but seeing your best friend in a hospital bed and knowing there's nothing you can do gets you thinking about all the stuff you've never told them and all the time you've wasted with them doing nothing. So I had those thoughts in the back of my head, plus the song Christmas Shoes, plus the images of her i the ICU, when she had just gotten hooked up to the IVs and heart monitor and everything and her fever spiked so she was all red yet pale at the same time, and just dead tired... just not a good combination. So my brain decided to play with all of that, and I was so tired from fighting off the flu (there was a cold there too, as I found out the hard way) and staying up all hours of the night before that I couldn't fight it, my brain won out. The situations it put me in were so different ande unexpected that I don't think I could have fought it off even if I was healthy. Anyway, I was mentally freaking out the whole way home (and I swear my dad has never driven slower), and when I got there, I had just enough time to change out of church clothes and hide under the covers before the breakdown. And man was I falling apart. I wasn't just depressed or not feeling good or whatever, I was scared out of my mind, and completely unable physically to protect me from myself. So yeah, not a good night. I ended up on the phone with her for almost an hour, and I would calm down enough to almost pass out, but then I'd get smacked with another scenerio, and I'd pull right back out of it and be even more tired and scared than before. UGH talk about a rough night.
I finally did pass out for good some time after 3:30am, and was up bright and early because little kids on Christmas morning won't ever let you sleep. To spare you the boring details, we opened presents at my house and then went to my dad's parents' like we always do. Got more stuff there, and spent that night there too since the next day was my youngest sister's birthday. My dad's two sisters and my parents came back on the 26th so we could do cake and stuff for her birthday, and then we went home so the girls could change, because my mother's mother and sister were taking us to see the Radio City Rockettes that night. It was a pretty good show, though being a dancer myself I did have a few small issues with certain aspects of it, because I can't ever watch other dancers without critiquing them. Guess 10 straight years of competing will do that to you. Anyway, that night was the night I decided to stop fighting the illness, but it turns out I decided to stop fighting about an hour before it stopped pushing. That hour was just painful, because I'd just wanted to throw up and get it over with, but I'd fought it off long enough that I couldn't anymore, so my stomach just kept churning. Which is pretty amazing in itself, considering how little food I'd had in the several days prior to then.
The next day, that Saturday, we had Christmas with my mother's side of the family at that same aunt's house, and then on Sunday I slept in and did laundry and organized Christmas stuff and went to church with G. I spent that night at her house, and somehow my parents let me spend the next two nights there too. Yes I spent three nights in a row at her place. I'm just as amazed as you are that my parents let me do that. And it was good break time, as I was away from my family that whole time and did literally nothing for a good bit of it. It really is nice to just spend time with someone once in a while, when you don't have school or work or family to stress you out. I'm sure it'll be quite some time before I get that kind of chance again.
Okay, turns out I did have a bit to say, at least regarding the last eight days. (Ooh and I now have a title for this post.) Hope I kept you entertained. And I hope you don't read this right away, as you should be off partying with friends or something, and not sitting here by yourself at 11:30pm on New Year's Eve like me. In fact I'm going to be even more of a bum and go to bed after the countdown I'm listening to on the radio is over at midnight. It might seem kind of sad that I'm doing nothing on this semi-holiday over break, but I've done quite enough already to last me another week off after this one's done. Not to mention the fact that I've only slept in my own bed three nights since break started, 13 days ago (I'm not counting the night of the 24th, because I only got like 2 hours of extremely troubled sleep then anyway). So I'm tired, and you're probably just about begging me to shut up and end the post already. Yes I realize how long it is, but that's nothing new for me, you ought to be used to it by now. But anyway, I will be nice and end it here. I do appreciate the fact that you've read this far, I really do. Happy New Year to you.
My New Year's Resolution: write short posts. Haha yeah right.
I don't really have anything to say, but I feel like I should wrap up 2008. I swear this blog's really just becoming my life story, or rather a summary of, but hey if you've read this far you obviously have nothing better to do, so here goes.
The rest of October ~ Halloween was quite uneventful compared to last year. A-Hawk and I crashed at BJ's, from which we were going to M's party, same as last year, but we decided that the three of us hadn't hung out enough lately, so we ended up staying there. Not too exciting, but not cause for a screaming match and breakdown either. Last year that night just sucked.
November ~ Not really anything worth mentioning. We didn't do Thanksgiving at my house this year, instead going to my aunt's about 3 hours away. We weren't there long though, because we all went in one van (that was rather ridiculous, but somehow we made the round trip without any violence) and my mother had to work at like 7, so we made the round trip plus horsed around with the cousins in the huge yard and ate lots of food. It was tiring. Most of us were either asleep or trying to be on the way back. Can't remember the last time I actually succeeded in sleeping in a moving vehicle.
December ~ Oh December. The first two and a half weeks were just wretched. That first week I had I think six essays due plus a project and a presentation, and my history research essay revision and writing portfolio for essay writing were due the week of finals. My research essay kind of really needed the extra chance at a good grade, but of course I completely forgot about it the night before it was due. So yeah, that didn't happen, and my grade certainly shows it. I had A's and high B's all semester, until December hit, and then I started tanking. And that's much sooner than the usual slump that occurs in late January or early February, so it's definitely not a good sign. But anyway, after quite a few sleepless nights (and I don't just mean troubled sleep, I pulled several almost-all-nighters during that time) way too many arguments with people I couldn't see to straighten things out with because schedules were too tight, and a whole lot of stress, break finally arrived. I don't remember what I told myself that Thursday and Friday nights to let everything go from the previous three weeks, but it must have been convincing, because on Saturday morning I was off to northern Illinois with G to visit her family for Christmas. Yay road trip, seriously. The two Christmases we went to were nice, and I made out like a bandit, as G said. I was expecting one or two things from the few people who knew I was coming up, but I got a good deal more than that, and I'm grateful but I still kind of feel bad for not really having anything to give back. Those two events were on the 20th and 21st, and the next few days we were going to spend visiting G's relatives and just relaxing, before heading back on the 24th.
However we had complications. Not positive where the bug came from, but the whole time we were up there the two of us were fighting off stomach flu, though it got the better of G on Tuesday morning. And she had a doctor's appointment that afternoon, so when she got there there was dehydration and a fever to ad to the reason she came in, which was essentially a way confused heart rate. All of those in front of a doctor were certain to land us a night in the ICU, right? We should have been prepared. But alas, we weren't, and we ended up staying at the hospital for 24 1/2 hours. I'd say it was a good thing I always have a book on me, except I was trying so hard to not get sick the whole time myself that I only got through like 20 pages. Plus there was the fact that neither of G's parents wanted to stay there, but I wasn't leaving, so her mother stayed too, and the whole time she was trying to separate us, I'm not sure why. It's not like I was in the way, there were only two patients on that floor. Well actually I do have a pretty good idea. Goes along the same lines as my dad's assumptions at the end of the summer that the two of us were together as lesbians. Did I mention that before? I can't remember. But anyway, her mother was quite irritated that I wouldn't leave, because she would never leave the two of us alone together for more than a few minutes, although she hid it pretty well. Anyway, for a while we weren't sure if G'd get discharged after the set 23 hours under observation, and first the plan was if that happened to send me back home via train so I could do Christmas with my family. But no one in my family was available to pick me up that whole day, so it ended up being that however long G stayed up north was how long I'd be there too. Gotta love parents, right? Christmas for five kids was enough, they didn't really need that sixth one there too.
Well it turns out she did get discharged on time, and we went straight back to her parents' house to pack stuff and then buzzed out of there. It was several hours later than we'd initially planned, but we still got back in time for midnight mass. And that whole day, after leaving the hospital, G got better and better, and I guess as the threat of her staying there longer or going back kept diminishing, my guard kept slipping. I felt pretty decent most of the drive back home, and even kept down McDonald's. But we made it to mass, and that was as far as I got. Usually I like the smell of incense, but I think that's what set me off. No I did not lose my stomach in the middle of church - actually I almost never lose it until I get home, I can keep it down for a pretty long time, even when it won't stop churning - but I was just in agony the entire time. Church cleared out pretty quickly after mass, as it was already after 1am when it was over, but it still took my family a good bit of time to take down all the music stuff. All of us and G were the last people to leave, and I ended up in the van with both of my parents while my brother took the rest of the kids home in the other van. Now up until that point, the entire time I'd felt sick, I was forcing it back so it wouldn't make matters worse, especially while G was in the ICU, because I knew she would blame herself for getting me sick, and she didn't need any more stress. But once we separated after church, I guess I hadn't realized my guard was down as far as it was, because it was a like a sigh of relief that I didn't have to push myself anymore because she wouldn't see me if I did get sick. But it wasn't even my stomach that won me over, no, it was my brain.
Don't think I've ever mentioned how my brain likes to make up scenerios where people I'm close to get hurt. Sure, lots of people do that too, but usually in mine I'm the one who gets hurt, and I come up with all kinds of bad things that could happen to me, and there's never any good ending to it. I don't even see my death, I'm just there, in some right state, until I lost consciousness thinking about it. In fact that's how I've made myself fall asleep for the longest time, I'd think about stuff that would make me pass out until I actually did it. I know that's rash, but that's what my brain likes to do to itself. And it would have been okay this time around if it were me getting hurt, but no, that time it was G. And even if the situation isn't bad at all, I don't care how cliche it sounds, but seeing your best friend in a hospital bed and knowing there's nothing you can do gets you thinking about all the stuff you've never told them and all the time you've wasted with them doing nothing. So I had those thoughts in the back of my head, plus the song Christmas Shoes, plus the images of her i the ICU, when she had just gotten hooked up to the IVs and heart monitor and everything and her fever spiked so she was all red yet pale at the same time, and just dead tired... just not a good combination. So my brain decided to play with all of that, and I was so tired from fighting off the flu (there was a cold there too, as I found out the hard way) and staying up all hours of the night before that I couldn't fight it, my brain won out. The situations it put me in were so different ande unexpected that I don't think I could have fought it off even if I was healthy. Anyway, I was mentally freaking out the whole way home (and I swear my dad has never driven slower), and when I got there, I had just enough time to change out of church clothes and hide under the covers before the breakdown. And man was I falling apart. I wasn't just depressed or not feeling good or whatever, I was scared out of my mind, and completely unable physically to protect me from myself. So yeah, not a good night. I ended up on the phone with her for almost an hour, and I would calm down enough to almost pass out, but then I'd get smacked with another scenerio, and I'd pull right back out of it and be even more tired and scared than before. UGH talk about a rough night.
I finally did pass out for good some time after 3:30am, and was up bright and early because little kids on Christmas morning won't ever let you sleep. To spare you the boring details, we opened presents at my house and then went to my dad's parents' like we always do. Got more stuff there, and spent that night there too since the next day was my youngest sister's birthday. My dad's two sisters and my parents came back on the 26th so we could do cake and stuff for her birthday, and then we went home so the girls could change, because my mother's mother and sister were taking us to see the Radio City Rockettes that night. It was a pretty good show, though being a dancer myself I did have a few small issues with certain aspects of it, because I can't ever watch other dancers without critiquing them. Guess 10 straight years of competing will do that to you. Anyway, that night was the night I decided to stop fighting the illness, but it turns out I decided to stop fighting about an hour before it stopped pushing. That hour was just painful, because I'd just wanted to throw up and get it over with, but I'd fought it off long enough that I couldn't anymore, so my stomach just kept churning. Which is pretty amazing in itself, considering how little food I'd had in the several days prior to then.
The next day, that Saturday, we had Christmas with my mother's side of the family at that same aunt's house, and then on Sunday I slept in and did laundry and organized Christmas stuff and went to church with G. I spent that night at her house, and somehow my parents let me spend the next two nights there too. Yes I spent three nights in a row at her place. I'm just as amazed as you are that my parents let me do that. And it was good break time, as I was away from my family that whole time and did literally nothing for a good bit of it. It really is nice to just spend time with someone once in a while, when you don't have school or work or family to stress you out. I'm sure it'll be quite some time before I get that kind of chance again.
Okay, turns out I did have a bit to say, at least regarding the last eight days. (Ooh and I now have a title for this post.) Hope I kept you entertained. And I hope you don't read this right away, as you should be off partying with friends or something, and not sitting here by yourself at 11:30pm on New Year's Eve like me. In fact I'm going to be even more of a bum and go to bed after the countdown I'm listening to on the radio is over at midnight. It might seem kind of sad that I'm doing nothing on this semi-holiday over break, but I've done quite enough already to last me another week off after this one's done. Not to mention the fact that I've only slept in my own bed three nights since break started, 13 days ago (I'm not counting the night of the 24th, because I only got like 2 hours of extremely troubled sleep then anyway). So I'm tired, and you're probably just about begging me to shut up and end the post already. Yes I realize how long it is, but that's nothing new for me, you ought to be used to it by now. But anyway, I will be nice and end it here. I do appreciate the fact that you've read this far, I really do. Happy New Year to you.
My New Year's Resolution: write short posts. Haha yeah right.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Blog Birthday
Today marks the one-year anniversary of my blog. Have I accomplished much with it in that time? Not really. Ugh. Wish I could put up some great statistic or whatever, but all I've got is a few followers and a bunch of crappy stories. This might bring about thoughts of why I'm even still on this thing if it hasn't done anything great for me, but actually it has done enough. I don't write as much as I wish I did, and updating on here makes me feel a tad bit better about that. Also it allows me to keep track of all my fandoms, because really there are quite a few, and it does happen that I forget about certain ones at times. And then there's the fact that I have all kinds of home problems and don't have the time or the patience anymore to journal, and then on here I just have to say it once and then can direct people back to it for the full story - saves conversation time when you already barely get to see certain friends anymore.
Anyway, BJ we have a fic to finish. That really needs to happen soonish so I have a reason to make myself write more. I need to know where my potential stands with that so I can figure out the rest of my college confusion. Also I know I have cd's to finish. I will work on that if we can squeeze in some writing time. As for everyone else, I don't hang out with any of you enough anymore, so free up your schedules and come steal me. My current employment status gives me more free time, however I'm hoping that won't last, so now's your chance. Carpe diem.
By the way y'all should listen to the song Already Gone by Sugarland, cuz it's great and I said so.
Anyway, BJ we have a fic to finish. That really needs to happen soonish so I have a reason to make myself write more. I need to know where my potential stands with that so I can figure out the rest of my college confusion. Also I know I have cd's to finish. I will work on that if we can squeeze in some writing time. As for everyone else, I don't hang out with any of you enough anymore, so free up your schedules and come steal me. My current employment status gives me more free time, however I'm hoping that won't last, so now's your chance. Carpe diem.
By the way y'all should listen to the song Already Gone by Sugarland, cuz it's great and I said so.
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